At this time, make sure your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright position. Ask any woman, every inch counts. Make sure your seat belt is correctly fastened if you need instruction on how to fasten your seatbelt please raise your hand so I know who to hit over the head with a giant mallet thus culling the stupid from the earth making it a brighter future for us all. In the event of decompression, stop screaming, an oxygen mask will drop down from above and appear in front of you. To start the flow of oxygen, pull the mask towards you, place it firmly over your nose and mouth, secure the elastic band behind your head, and breathe normally. If you are traveling with a child or someone who acts like a child, secure your mask first, if you are with more than one child pick the one you like the best or has the most potential and assist them first then work your way down. In the event of an emergency, please assume the bracing position. Lean forward with your hands on top of your head and your elbows against your thighs. Ensure your feet are flat on the floor, and kiss your ass goodbye.
Warning! Warning, Danger Will Robinson! Incoming rant!
Forget what I said! Women and children first…screw that save yourselves! Every man woman and child for themselves!
etiquette (et-i-quette)[et-i-kit, -ket]noun
As defined by the dictionary:
1. Conventional requirements as to social behavior; proprieties of conduct as established in any class or community or for any occasion.
2. A prescribed or accepted code of usage in matters of ceremony, as at a court or in official or other formal observances.
3. The code of ethical behavior regarding professional practice or action among the members of a profession in their dealings with each other: medical etiquette.
The definitions seem pretty straightforward, almost as if it were common sense or plain old ordinary courtesy, right? Right? … Right?… Well, apparently, this is a foreign concept to many people nowadays. But nowhere more apparent than in a movie theater.
This weekend, my wife and I decided to go see a movie, Noah, something we are rarely able to do because of my physical condition as well as the expense. We arrived early enough to get our food, drink, and seats. All was fine until the movie started, and I don’t mean previews, I mean the movie was on the damn screen, actors were acting, there was dialog and stuff happening.
It started with the late arrivals, these are people too stupid to tell time. Every show has a starting time, and they are not kept a secret. The times are listed in many various places like online, in the newspaper, on the billboard, or at the damn kiosk where you buy the tickets. If you are too damn dumb, or lazy to realize you are going to be late than you shouldn’t bother going to the movie, wait your dumb ass until the next showing, don’t, for the love of all that is holy, show up late to the movie, complain how you missed 10-20 min while trying to find a fucking seat and block my view. If you just have to see it now, guess what, sit your stupid ass in the front row, there are plenty of seats there and a reminder at the end of the movie when your neck is stuck and hurting to buy a fucking watch and learn to tell time!
Now, let’s talk about the theater hoppers. We have all done it one time or another but the asshats I am talking about are the ones too lazy to check their damn smartphone for starting times and show up halfway through the movie looking for a damn place to sit. In this particular case, it happened to be an elderly couple who gave me the damn stink eye because they wanted my spot. Well sorry dip shit, it is my seat now, I actually showed up on time. I don’t give a rats ass if you are old, first come first serve bitch, don’t fucking ask me to move by glaring at me hoping to make me uncomfortable, because your old ass can’t tell time and need special seating, I will smile and flip you the fuck off now get your dusty ass down to the front row with the other late to arrive losers who need to learn to tell time.
Next came the oh so joyful talkers. We all know who they are! They are the ones who, even if you tell them to STFU or have an usher tell them to STFU, still won’t stop talking! They are the people who believe they have some words of wisdom to add to the film that everyone must hear. They are the moron who thinks the movie needs additional commentary, or think others are too stupid to understand the subtle nuances of the movie so they take it upon themselves to try to explain to their mentally deficient friend/date what just happened and why. News flash genius, it is a movie, the shit is pretty self-explanatory, watch the fucking film, shut the hell up, and if you have any questions you and your mentally challenged friend/date can have a nice long unintelligent conversation about it when you get in your god damned vehicle where no one can hear how much the educational system has failed you. How do I know their friend/dates are mentally deficient? I don’t but it is a pretty safe fucking bet that the only friends these assholes can get who will suffer sitting next to them are on the low end of the bell curve.
Then there are the cell phone users. These self-absorbed idiots can’t even follow the instructions that a damn cartoon gives them! They feel they are so important as to not turn their cell phones off because someone might need them, or they might feel the urge to twit or twat or tweet or whatever the fuck else there is out now that makes stupid people think everyone else in the world must know what they are doing at all times. You’re not that important! Get off your phone, I didn’t spend my hard earned money to listen to your stupid ass texting, sexting, twatting, or whatever else you may be doing. God forbid you to turn your fucking cell phone off for a few hours and enjoy something other than sharing your latest crap on the toilet. Trust me Joanie will still have screwed Chachi behind the dumpster at AL’s dinner with a big purple dildo when the movie is over. Nothing is so important that it needs to be addressed right now. If for some reason you even think something important is going to happen here is a little advice, don’t go to the fucking movies!
I know I am going to get a lot of hate for this but, children. No, just no, don’t. Save your money, watch a DVD from Red Box, or get something On Demand, or on Netflix. Don’t ruin the movie I paid my hard earned money on with your shitty ass drunken mistakes! Stay the fuck home until those little bastards know proper movie etiquette. If you have to go to a movie, here is an idea, get a fucking babysitter! But if you still absolutely insist on taking your kids with you to a movie, there’s a rating system. Fucking use it! Here let me help you:
G – General Audiences: Children of all ages, mostly 7 and younger though. This is usually the latest mind-numbingly sweet movie put out. Made specifically for your ankle biters. There will be plenty of other parents there with their own rug rats to keep you company, or help discipline your child by giving you judging looks while your little miscreant runs wild up and down the isles. This is a movie where your child can sit, hypnotized by the bright, colorful movie with the oh so wonderful music and positive message. And also that one creepy dude in the back wearing a trench coat sitting next to the inappropriately dressed school teacher, don’t mind them though it’s all good clean fun.
PG – Parental Guidance Suggested: In other words, this is the slightly edgy version of the G rated movie, with such things like shucks and golly gosh. The main character might even be humanoid. Parents are suggested to guide their kids to these movies if they are 8 to 12 years old. These movies will also be full of other parents willing to help guide your child by giving you ugly looks as they act up during the movie. Also, the creepy guy in the trench coat and the inappropriately dressed school teacher might also be there, maybe.
PG-13 – Parents Strongly Cautioned: Parents are urged to be cautious as the motion picture contains some material that parents might consider inappropriate for children under the age of 13, hence the 13 in PG-13. It is strongly cautioned that any parents who bring a child under 13 to a movie like this will receive death glares maybe even harsh words if their child acts even the slightest bit out of line, as these movies might actually be enjoyable and bearable for adults to watch with their actual plotlines and clever writing and good cinematography.
R – Restricted: People under 17 years may only be admitted if accompanied by a parent or guardian. I think this is self-explanatory, but for those slow of mind, if your child is 16 and under they shouldn’t be watching this movie.
NC-17 – Adults Only: This film is exclusively adult and people under 18 are not admitted. Do I really have to explain this one? Bottom line if you bring your kid to this movie I should be allowed to call child services on your stupid ass.
See, the rating system works! USE the damn thing. Any parent or guardian who brings a child of age 1-12 to any movie that is PG-13 or R rated should be punched in the face every time their hellspawn acts up, and if their baby cries we should be allowed to kick them in the taint with steel-toed boots repeatedly to try and cull the stupid from the population. If they are dumb enough to bring a kid to an adult film, seriously, castration and jail time. I mean cmon. And before anyone says, “Well, that’s not my kid. They are good at movies.” Well good for you, but I don’t give a flying monkeys ass! If you are one of those parents who says that than I should get to punch you twice and kick you till you bleed right?
So, let’s break down some Movie Theater Etiquette
1. Be on time.
2. Shut the hell up. No one wants to hear your dumb ass.
3. Turn off your phone, it won’t kill you and you’re not that fucking important.
4. Don’t bring your crying ass children to movies that don’t have talking animals and a good moral and maybe some fun songs in them, unless you really wanna get punched in the face of kicked in the taint.
It is that fucking simple. 4 points of etiquette. How fucking hard is that to comprehend?